I DIDN'T GET PREGNANT.
I DIDN'T GET AIDS.
SO WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD?

I know what you mean. One of the very real things about having sex when you're a teenager is that getting pregnant and catching diseases aren't the only ways that sex can hurt you. Most teenage relationships just don't last, and losing someone after being that close to them is really painful. Nobody's invented protection against getting hurt.

"Safe Sex" isn't just about your body. It's about your mind and your emotions too. And there is no emotional condom that you can slip on when you're going to have sex, just like there is no physical condom that will keep your body completely safe. You are left open to emotional pain and scarring.  Completely "safe sex" doesn't exist.

 

MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE PRETTY SURE WE LOVE EACH OTHER. I CARE ABOUT HIM A LOT.

When you're having sex with someone, sometimes it's hard to tell what you love, the person or the sex.

Caring about your boyfriend a lot is a good thing, in fact it's a great thing. One of the ways you can care for him and yourself at the same time is to wait to become sexually involved with him. It helps you find out if this is really someone you can love for a long time. That protects you emotionally and him, too.

I THINK THAT HAVING SEX WILL MAKE US CLOSER AND HELP US STAY TOGETHER.

So maybe you're really having sex to keep your partner. That happens. We find that most of the time that person leaves anyway. Sex is powerful but it doesn't hold a relationship together. If your partner will stay with you only if you have sex with him or her, then you can do better. Find someone else.

Another thing you might want to consider. One of the strange things that people find when they have sex with someone is that it actually puts emotional distance between the two of them. Something that was supposed to make them closer actually comes between them and builds a kind of wall.  That's because caring for the other person doesn't just mean taking care of their sexual pleasure. It means being there for them: emotionally and mentally in a pretty committed way. That's a lot of work. Most teenagers don’t want to take that on in their relationships. One partner, or both, ends up feeling like they are being let down by the person they thought they were closest to, and they can't figure out why. That's one of the reasons why.

 

SO, LET'S GO BACK TO WHY I FEEL SO BAD, EVEN THOUGH I WAS LUCKY AND DIDN'T CATCH ANYTHING. ARE YOU SAYING THAT SEX CAN'T JUST BE A PHYSICAL PLEASURE? DO THERE HAVE TO BE ALL THESE EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS? I JUST WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

Yeah, well, here's the thing about sex. It's definitely a physical thing but your mind and your emotions aren't on vacation. So, you need to take care of them, too. It's like working out. You're exercising your body, but do you notice that after you have exercised, there is a difference in your mood and energy level? That's because all of you is involved in the physical activity. Same with sex, except on a way more powerful level. If you look at yourself as a machine, the machine is designed so that all the parts work together. One "sector" doesn't shut down while another takes over. This isn't quite like Star Trek.

SO WHAT DOES TAKING CARE OF MYSELF AND MY PARTNER LOOK LIKE?

Well, it really helps to decide ahead of time about what's best for you, so when things heat up, you have a plan of action.

You have the freedom to make some powerful decisions about your life, so stay alert, watch for signals that things might be going in a direction you don't want them to and assert that freedom and power that you have as an individual to keep things from derailing.

WHAT THE HECK DOES ALL THAT MEAN?

WELL, THAT CAN'T BE THAT HARD. I MOSTLY HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS.

That's great. Friends can be an awesome support system. Here are some other things that might help:

Even when you're with your friends:

Date people that you already know pretty well, not just a friend of your friend's sister who went to school with someone your brother played basketball with.

Avoid dating people you meet on-line or in chat rooms. They're not all big, bad men posing as young girls, but they might just be someone who doesn't see the world the way you do. And that's important when you're spending time with someone. If they see things differently, chances are, sex is one of those things.

Don't leave a party with someone you just met. That's risky and can be read as availability.

Groups are good. Staying in a bunch with people you know well is a really good idea. You're friends will help "watch your back."

If you're going on a date, hang out in a public place instead of going to one another's home or a place where you know it's just going to be the two of you. Being really alone together is one of those things that can make the plan fall apart fast.

Carry some cash. That way, you don't have to mooch rides from someone you might not know and you aren't stuck getting a ride home with a date that turned out to want things you didn't, like sex after the party.

Stay sober. That can be complicated, especially when you're with friends that drink or use, but nothing will destroy your judgment faster than chemicals.

Don't drink anything you haven't poured for yourself or watched being poured. Sometimes people use drinks as a way of controlling another person, or setting them up to be more vulnerable.  Don't give someone else that power.

Trust your instincts. Your gut reaction tells you what you need to know in every situation. Don't be afraid to go with that. If you don't feel comfortable, or you feel your boundaries being challenged in any way, bail. Use that cash in your pocket for a taxi ride home.

Stay zipped. How many ways can we say this one? Keep it all on. 

 

WHAT KINDS OF THINGS SHOULD I WATCH OUT FOR? YOU TALKED ABOUT SIGNALS.

Yeah. Good question. Well stuff like this:

  • If you feel unequal to the person you are with or intimidated by him or her, or you feel like you owe them something, this is not a good date. Power should be equal in a relationship.
  • If your date is quite a bit older than you are, or is/has been in some position of authority over you (like a coach, a teacher, a family friend, someone you owe money to), this is not a good date.

As we mentioned before, if you have met a person on-line and especially if they are not who they pretended to be in the chat room, stay clear. READ DANGER. It’s a really good idea to stay away from on-line introductions. Date real people.

WELL, I KIND OF ALREADY HAVE A RULE FOR MYSELF. I ONLY DATE PEOPLE I KNOW.

Wonderful! Here are a few hints for someone like you - things anyone in relationship should be aware of, no matter how old you are. 

Some people turn out to be control freaks.

  • If your partner always insists on his or her own way and ignores your viewpoint, you can do better.
  • If he or she "dis's" your favourite music, your taste in movies, the clothes you wear, your friends, get another partner. This is not someone who is going to support your plan of action for the future.  Respect is not high on his list.
  • If your partner is jealous and "checks up" on you all the time, time for him or her to hit the road. Everyone gets to have their personal time and space without interruption and without someone else trying to control it. This is a sign that the other person sees you more as a possession than a person, and if you are theirs, they might just want all of you. Including things you're not willing to give up, like your sexuality.
  • If your partner tries to keep you away from your family and your friends, or talks down to them, or badly about them, this is not a good thing. You need to stay far away from someone who has so little respect for things that are important in your life. Not too likely they are going to agree with your goals or help you establish your value system.